Wish You Were Here

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MKFaizi

Post by MKFaizi » Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:28 am

Tomas wrote;
perhaps some physical closeness would do her well
Perhaps a solid cold rolled steel tire iron up your ass would do you some good, you condescending, snide, feces filled ape cranium; pig made of waste.

Physical closeness, hell. You need a fucking tire iron to carve you out a new asshole -- one that can't talk.

Faizi

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DHodges
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I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me

Post by DHodges » Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:10 pm

Tomas wrote:The people on these drugs lose sight of reality after some time and it generally (speaking), takes an "old friend" or an acquaintance from way back ... to notice the personality change.
I have been on Prozac for several years. There's no doubt that there's been a personality change.

But I can't imagine how anyone would see it as a negative change. If the drug is correcting a chemical imbalance, then the change is very positive. It's like a diabetic taking insulin.

MKFaizi

Post by MKFaizi » Thu Jul 27, 2006 9:57 am

My personality has not changed since taking Zoloft. It probably has saved my life, however. I was never suicidal but I may have gotten that way. A few years back, a friend who did kill himself told me that the first time he saw me, he thought, "Depressed woman."

I reckon the dark circles were a dead giveaway.

My only problem with taking it is that I do think it can mask a depression that has grown deeper over the years. I no longer take it every day because if I do that I get a little on the mania side -- basically, not sleeping.

The friend I wrote about above killed himself after coming off Prozac. I think he took forty milligrams a day. Before going on Prozac, he sat with a gun in his mouth for a few hours before deciding not to do it.

He came off the medicine on his own. Sudden stoppage. Four weeks later, he was dead. The luck of the Chuck; dead in the shed.

I do not take it every day but I have found when I stay off of it for weeks at a time -- well, it's kind of like stepping off a cliff.

I want to come off of it, if I can but I think it would have to be accomplished through a regimented tapering. I am not sure that that would work because you do come to this precipice.

Type I diabetics would like to taper off insulin, too.

As both David Hodges and myself have explained many times, major depression is not feeling sad or feeling lonely -- I am busy plotting a vacation I intend to take alone next year. I love to drive and I love to drive alone. I like going to a quiet beach alone. Plotting to go to Virginia's eastern shore in the off season -- like when it is cold. I love overcast chiily days. I look foreward to sitting on the beach wrapped in blankets looking out to a cold, black Atlantic.

Real dark stuff. Might get a moon tan.

Being alone by choice and enjoying one's solitude is not loneliness.

It is pleasure.

Faizi

MKFaizi

Post by MKFaizi » Thu Jul 27, 2006 10:42 am

Writing to the ignorant Tomas again:

Valium is a completely different sort of drug from Zoloft and Prozac and other serotonin reuptake inhibitors . SSRI's correct an imbalance of serotonin in the brain by chemically allowing the brain to use serotonin more effectively.

Valium is a benzodiazepine that was developed in the 1960's and is a simplified form of the first benzodiazepine, Librium, that was developed in the fifties.

These drugs are considered to be minor tranquilizers. Tranquilizers tranquilize. They were used for anxiety and they calm you down.

Benzodiazepines are used only moderately now. They may be prescribed for someone who is experiencing an emotional trauma. Given ten days worth to get them through the funeral of a child or parent, for example. It is almost never prescribed for indefinite use.

Valium -- like all benzodiazapines -- is very addictive. A person who has been on Valium for years must withdraw from it like he might have to withdraw from heroin. Almost that bad.

Serotonin reuptake inhibitors are not addictive, For instance, a person taking Zoloft for six months to get him over the emotional hurdles of a divorce, can simply stop taking it without any problems once he is past the grieving period.

Here, I will remind you again that situational depression is very different from major depression.

I took Valium once in my life and I never intend to take it again. A doctor prescribed it for me when I was in my early teens. He prescribed the lowest dosage -- five milligrams. I took half of that and fell asleep with my legs over a floor furnace. Dead out. I did not wake up until my mother came home and found me like that -- my legs blistered. We dumped the pills in the toilet.

I am phobic about those kinds of drugs and I hate to see them prescribed for more than a few days. I do know some older extremely high anxiety patients who have been on it for years. Only a very few.

The only fear I have of having a colonoscopy is being given Versed -- another benzodiazapine.

Valium is sometimes prescribed for heart patients. Valium is an excellent muscle relaxant, too. I worked for one prudent doc who would prescribe Valium sparingly for muscular back strain. It is also an excellent drug given intramuscularly to slow seizure activity. Benzodiazapines are also excellent to give to a patient with critically high blood pressure and palpitations. Reducing the anxiety does not solve the heart problem but it does slow things down enough to perhaps avoid a heart attack or stroke until corrective measures can be taken.

Anyway, SSRI's are a completley different category of drug from the benzodiazapines. SSRI's do not tranquilize or calm. They are not hypnotics. They are neither habit forming nor addictive.

Faizi
Last edited by MKFaizi on Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.

MKFaizi

Post by MKFaizi » Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:19 pm

AND ANOTHER THING --

I greatly enjoy my children as young adults. Beats hell out of them as two year olds. Two year olds are cute as hell but you can't reason with them and they keep you awake at night. Very demanding of constant attention and protection.

I can actually enjoy being with my kids now that I do not have to change their diapers or feed them by hand or this thing or that thing -- or chase them all over the place or lie on top of them until they fall asleep at three in the morning. No more going to court for stealing my car. No more going to psychiatrists for ADHD. I mean, we have conversations on an equal basis. We have things in common -- similar musical preferences, for instance; similar political opinions; similar senses of the absurd.

I totally support the idea of giving birth to kids when they are about sixteen -- they come out already six feet tall and wearing Grateful Dead t-shirts. No diapers. I greatly enjoy my kids now as completely separate people from me. I just happened to have given birth to them. Beyond that, there is no big connection if we did not want it to be. It is a three way friendship. If we did not like each other, we would not be friends. Plain and simple.

I have not mourned my daughter leaving the house. I have enjoyed it immensely. I do what I want and she does what she wants. We see each other nearly every day. She is welcome to move home anytime she wants but her entire childhood was an act of striving toward independence. She has that now. She was the most miserable being in a baby shape I ever saw. She despised being a baby. All she could do was to lie there and she plainly did not like that one little bit. She is working construction now and has found a niche for being a destroyer. She is doing home renovations and her boss has learned that, given a hammer and a crowbar, Rock can take down just about anything in very little time. Today, she took half hour to destroy a kitchen floor -- torn out completely. Plus the walls.

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM. She was standing on a plank above the basement. Warned a dude below she was bringing down the wall. He did not believe her until the whole thing crashed down on him. Dry wall all over him.

I always knew she had it in her. As soon as she could walk, she could destroy anything. Part of the reason she was put on Ritalin -- her destructive nature. Now, she is getting paid for her destruction talent. Loves it. Might want to study demolition. There is a lot of world out there and a lot of it needs to be destroyed.

When my kids were little, I wondered if I could hire them out to a demolition crew. My kids and their several friends. God, they were good. Unfortunately, there are child labor laws.

NOTE -- These things do not make either or both of my kids superior. Superior kids are going to college to become teachers and engineers. Neither of my kids are interested in college. Rock might want to be a nurse but she may want to stick with destruction. Buster wants to be an auto mechanic.

My son has lived with his grandparents for several years now. I see him every day and he does come home for some weekends. He has always been helpful to them but in their eighties, they are pretty dependent on him for much.

I greatly enjoy having relationships with both of my kids as people. I don't give a shit whether or not they remember my birthday or Mother's Day or whether they call me on the phone or whatever. I enjoy my separation from them as much as they enjoy their separation from me.

As long as they let me, I will always be their friend and will give support when needed. But they are not obligated to me in any way. I did them the disfavor of bringing them into this world. They owe me nothing. I owe them.

As for dreaming in color, this is the result of serotonin efficiency. I did not HAVE to take Zoloft for the purpose of dreaming very colorful and entertaining dreams. Not like I sat around and thought, "Gee, I wish I could dream in color." I could not care less whether I dreamed or not.

My first dream that indicated sertonin influx was a dream of great quanities of turquoise water. Very refreshing. Felt like I had been in the desert too long.

You are fortunate if you are not clinically depressed. I would like to be in your position. I would like very much not to take Zoloft or any other drug. I work toward that.

My reality is not more distorted than yours. Presumably, you do not have a shortage of serotonin or other chemicals; and, for your sake, I hope that you never do.

Because I take a serotonin reuptake inhibitor, I do not physically suffer from the lack -- same as yourself. Because my serotonin is conserved through pharmacological intervention whereas you are fortunate enough to produce and use sufficient amounts of serotonin, should I -- David Hodges -- be deprived in the same way that someone with MS might be denied Baclofen to help with spasms?

Why should I -- anyone who has major depression -- not have the chance to live less than you have the chance to live?

If you never have clinical depression but do have hypertension, will taking a beta blocker to save your life change your personality? If your wife or daughter is Rh negative and must take a shot in order to carry a baby to term, will the taking of that shot change your wife's or daughter's personality?

Zoloft has not changed my personality. I am still clinically depressed. Nothing is going to change that. It is a fact. Off the medication, however, I could disintegrate to the point of suicide or catatonia.

I like living. I do not want to die. I do not want to be chemically driven to suicide or a depressive catatonia due to something that is not efficiently secreted in my brain.

Nietzsche died young and went "mad" long before he died. Weininger committed suicide. Kierkegaard apparently died at a young age due to a head injury suffered as a child.

Had there been method to avert Nietzsche from madness without altering him, would that be a negative thing? What if Kiergaard could have been treated for his head injury that killed him? What if Weininger could have matured?

I am attached to life and sanity. Presumably, you are also attached to life and sanity. Why is my attachment to life and sanity less than yours because I take Zoloft for treatment of major depression?

Given your chemical superiority, would you prefer the likes of me to be found dead at the bottom of some stairs or dead in a shed?

Are you Christian Scientist or a Scientologist?

Faizi

BJMcGilly
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Post by BJMcGilly » Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:33 pm

I'm actually in the process of coming off of oxycontin. Real nasty stuff. I initially took it for fun, than because I was more sociable / confident when on the take, and finally to keep myself distanced from having to live truthfully. I think the last reason to be the initial reason I started to use.

I have to cut back slowly - real nasty stuff. If dropped altogether, flu-like symptoms would ensue for a couple of weeks. Bone aches causing sleeplessness, chills, fevers, nausea, runny nose / cough. I've learned my lesson, functionally numb is no way to live. It becomes a living nightmare. Expensive as hell, too.

It kind of filled a void in me. Knowing what I know, no relationship can ever shield me from emptiness, and when lived from the outside, instead of living within emptiness- emptiness seems downright scary / depressing, all of which I inevitably transpose to what societally valuable commodities come to mind (ie. relationships with women, family ties, friends and any other socially acceptable buffers gone puff). Come to think of it, my last relationship started the use, we could only tolerate each other fucked up. I felt fulfilled, bringing home the bacon in pill-form.

Love, a drug of such vile proportions, insidious in unimaginable ways. I need to once more punch a hole in the corner of my cranium for the north wind to whistle in. Freeze the womb-like sludge which warms me numb. Ghostbusters II style, Vigo's got nothing on me.

It's good to be back.

Bryan

BJMcGilly
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Hi Marsha

Post by BJMcGilly » Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:51 pm

Hi Marsha,

I sent you a private message, nothing big, just catching up and seeing how you've been. Glad to see you're as vituperous and vitriolic as ever.

Bryan

MKFaizi

Post by MKFaizi » Thu Jul 27, 2006 12:57 pm

Good to see you posting, Bryan.

How in hell did you get addicted to oxycontin? It is very seldom prescribed anymore -- not even for terminally ill patients close to death. Pain management dudes no longer prescribe it much. Largely because of oxycontin, there are not very many pain management dudes. Too dangerous. They might as well become street dealers.

I reckon that is where you picked it up -- on the street, more or less.

I know the withdrawal symptoms -- same as heroin. I wish you all the luck in the world with that.

Yes, you need to let the north wind blow through your brain. Too much snug as a bug is smothering. Fungii producing.

Youth sucks. So much insecurity. Such intense fear of the so called void. Romantic and physical and social desires.

I love the void. Little or no attachment. Looking inside out. The joy of getting old and growing toward permanent disattachment.

It is good to see you back, Bryan.

Faizi

MKFaizi

Post by MKFaizi » Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:00 pm

Bryan wrote:
Glad to see you're as vituperous and vitriolic as ever.
Despite personality changing Zoloft dependence, even.

Thanks for the validation.

Faizi

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